|The following is a compilation of all the charming, funny, or ridiculous things that came out of Trey’s mouth during my pregnancy with Brynn|
JEN: Are you concerned at all about tomorrow’s ultrasound? (the first time we hopefully see a heartbeat)11/30/10
TREY: You’re showing lots of normal pregnancy symptoms.
JEN: Like what?
TREY: You’re getting more…[pause]…voluptuous.
JEN (thinks to herself): Oooh he thinks my boobs are getting bigger. He must think I’m sexy.
TREY: And your boobs are getting bigger.
JEN (thinks to herself): Oh, he just thinks I’m getting fat.
TREY: I think you’re starting to show…[pause and thinking]…or you’re retaining fat.
JEN: I think I’ve been looking unattractive lately. (seeking much needed positive reinforcement from spouse)
TREY: Yeah, you’ve been looking a little frumpier than usual.
JEN: Did you see the 8wk email this morning that said that our baby has little webbed fingers and toes growing from tiny arms and legs?
TREY: Yeah, they are like little t-rex arms. Arrrhhh!! (To get the full effect of this one, you have to envision the Trey t-rex animated motions that go with this statement. Shouldn’t be a problem for those of you that know him.)
TREY (after coming home to discover Jen’s much needed new full coverage bra purchase): “Holy big boobies, what is THAT?! It’s a cannon holder!!!”
TREY: “Just think of what it’s going to be like to have to change diapers 4 times a day!”
JEN: “Uh, 4 TIMES A DAY, Trey???”
TREY: “Well, that’s how many times I pee or poop a day. Don’t all humans go that often?”
JEN: laughing, laughing, laughing
TREY (this follows Jen explaining to Trey while he watches Sports Center that she read it is a good idea to spend two 5 minute increments a day with a hand on her belly to “bond” with baby and set aside time to think about him/her. Trey begrudgingly rests hand on Jen’s belly.): “Nice to meet you”…followed by long pause…”hmmm, Cheez-Its? Of course I love Cheez-Its.”
JEN (speaking to Riley after she got into the laundry): Riley, please stop eating my underpants. It’s embarrassing.
TREY: Why? Because it takes 2 servings.
TREY: You know how some people have 6-packs?
TREY: Well, you have a keg!
JEN: (unimpressed glare)
TREY: What? Having a keg is way better than a 6-pack, right?
(THE STORY: A friend comes over to help us determine what type of life insurance we need on each of us now that we have a child to prepare for. Trey’s comment follows the friend’s departure after our meeting.)
TREY: Yeah, I wouldn’t need nearly as much money if you died. Think of all the food you eat.
JEN (after Trey woke her up at 2:30am to show her the picture text announcing the birth of Max Daniel Layton and getting her all excited): I’m too excited to sleep!!! There’s no way I’ll be able to sleep!!
TREY (basically kicking Jen out of bed): You need to go in the other room and call my mom because I guarantee she’s awake and my dad’s asleep and that’s what I need to be doing.
(FOLLOW-UP: Jen leaves the room and makes the phone call. Sure enough, Deb is eagerly waiting to share her excitement with Jen and Ken is asleep. The gals got quite a kick out of Trey’s clever words!!)
TREY (looking at some drawings that our friends’ kids, Kinsey and Kayden, made for us): Look, they drew one of me walking Riley.
JEN: If that is Riley, then that is definitely ME walking her.
TREY: I don’t know, he’s awfully skinny.
(THE STORY: Trey worked from 8am to 12:30am on a Saturday, sheet rocking the basement. He eagerly had Jen email the progress photos to both the moms on Sunday night. Monday he came home from work anxiously wanting to hear the moms’ responses. Jen delivered the news that they unfortunately had not responded yet. The following was Trey’s way of mocking the mothers’ eager baby response emails, but lack of response to any Trey-attention emails.)
TREY: What the heck? You could email them that you farted over the weekend and they would write back in like 5 minutes, but I practically finish the whole basement and nothing!
TREY: Why are you making that weird face?
JEN: I just felt the baby kick.
TREY: Are you sure it wasn’t his wiener?
JEN (holds her belly and gets a proud smile): What if this is a future president?
TREY (gets the same proud smile): Women can’t be president, so that means it’s gotta be a dude!
TREY (delicately embracing yet another pregnancy symptom while kissing Jen goodbye at 6:30am before leaving for work): You were snoring like a wildabeast last night!! But I just let you sleep this time. (Last time, he recorded it on his iPhone at midnight and then woke Jen up to have her listen!)
(SETTING: At Target in Des Moines registering for baby. Jen spots the below pictured disposable diaper bag dispenser.)
JEN: That’s just like the handy bag dispenser we have for Riley’s walks. We need one of those.
TREY: Why? Just in case the baby poops on the neighbor’s yard?
5/1/11 FIRST CHILDBIRTH CLASS COMMENTS:
(SETTING: Both of us reclining on the couch, watching American Idol. Jen keeps experiencing embarrassing issues with uncontrollable “baby toots” as she’s choosing to call them. Trey is less than amused.)
JEN: The baby keeps moving around a lot. I think it’s kicking my uhhh…[she pauses for the word]
TREY: Fart machine?
5/15/11 THIRD CHILDBIRTH CLASS COMMENTS:
(SETTING: Jen returns home from her 30wk OB check after just having told Trey over the phone that the doctor said she is measuring ahead.)
TREY: Hi. (Kiss) You’re looking extra large today.
JEN (stands baffled with mouth open)
TREY (stifles a laugh and attempts to recover): I mean…the BABY’S looking extra large today.
(SETTING: Jen has just spent nearly all day on her feet painting the nursery and has developed her first real case of swollen ankles. She discovers them while cleaning up in the shower and emerges onto the deck where Trey is grilling once dressed.)
JEN (seeking positive encouragement from spouse): I think my ankles may be swollen from painting today.
TREY (examines Jen’s ankles for a half second before exclaiming): WHOOAAAA!! Holy Cankles (a condition people get when their calf merges with their ankle with no distinction between the two)!
TREY RANDOMLY DECLARES FOR REMAINDER OF NIGHT: Sweet Canks!
(SETTING: In the car driving to childbirth education class. We’ve just finished eating McDonald’s on the road. Half the humor of this story is the background knowledge that Trey thinks Jen is the messiest eater ever. 5 minutes before this one liner, he informed Jen in colorful Trey verbiage that she had crap all over her face.)
JEN: Look! The baby is really moving a lot. I think it likes McDonald’s.
TREY (does not take his eyes off the road): Or it’s just trying to kick the crumbs off your belly.
(SETTING: In our last childbirth education class, with lights off to promote a more ambient background to imagine labor. The instructor has dads sitting on the floor positioned against the birth balls with moms sitting in between their legs, resting on their chests. Moms are instructed to grab their knees and simulate pushing while breathing. Dads are instructed to coach as if labor were taking place.)
JEN (focused): Hee Hee Hoo Hoo. Hee Hee Hoo Hoo.
TREY (enthusiastically whispering repeatedly in best Jerry Maguire impersonation): Show me the baby! Show me the baby!